The Internet has always been a repository of weird. Despite how mainstream and commodified it’s become, there’s always going to be this sewer of the bizarre just beneath the surface, full of things that just leave us scratching our heads.
Of course, nowhere is this more obvious than in the world of spam email and marketing, which somehow hasn’t aged a day since like 2002.
The regularity with which the same nonsense pops up again and again in spam email inboxes is almost impressive. If you don’t believe me, visit your most popular email account right now and check your spam box, you’ll think you’re back 20 years ago checking your first AOL account: Viagra ads, delivery confirmations for non-existent purchases, “adult dating,” various tax scams that would have you believe the IRS is going to contact you through an account called no-reply@irsgov.hacking4life.ga, and a sea of hilarious marketing offers with far too many exclamation points in the subject line.
Seems legit alright.
When you run websites, the spam gets far more interesting.
If you’ve never owned website administer emails attached to online forms, you’re missing out on a rare form of entertainment. The stuff that gets submitted to this website, for instance, is gold.
To aid in anyone searching for whether or not this stuff is real, or for the sheer comedic value, I’ll post a few examples here, starting with this amusing piece:
Have you ever felt like your body is the enemy?
Well that’s exactly how Tara felt. It’s like she had every card dealt against her.
She was in her 40s and already felt like it was harder and harder to stay slim.
Her joints started to hurt more. Her energy started to drop.
[ …By the way… “they” say all that stuff is normal… it’s just not… ]
Anyhow… just as Tara started to feel like her body was already going downhill,
she got in a car crash.
She could no longer do ANY exercise. And food was like a drug to dull the
depression of gaining weight and being in pain.
Months and years went by and she was close to giving up on everything — even her own life — when
she discovered something so simple she almost didn’t even try it.
However this strange scientific discovery — that only takes her a few minutes in the
morning — let her melt 23 lbs in 21 days and finally gave her hope and motivation
again for the first time in years!
Now she’s back to the same weight she was in her 20s. And she feels better than she
could ever remember feeling in her entire life, all because of this simple shift in her morning routine!
Her comeback story and exactly how she did it is covered in a powerful online presentation right here:
Just a heads up… it works best if you’re at least 10 lbs overweight so keep that in mind, ok.
And make sure you watch the most important part the first 6 minutes.
Then there’s this gem:
Dear sir/madam
Please pardon me for this unsolicited communique.
I do have the trusteeship of a PRIVATE investor with a stormy political background to outsource individuals with sound Financial Management abilities to manage over US$1.3B devoid of his name. These funds can be invested in tranches of US$100M or a tranche that is suitable for the portfolio manager.
If you have Financial Management abilities, credible project in need of funding or existing business requiring expansion, your feedback would be appreciated.
It is very necessary l inform you of my Principal’s demand that 10% of the Investment Profits will be devoted to Charity Course.
Sincerely,
Nelson Jason
Managing Partner
FINANCIALMANAGEMENT AND ADVISORY SERVICES LIMITED
Dubai, UAE.
Gotta love the “unsolicited communique” part, as if any human ever would actually sound like this outside of a dollar store mystery novel.
Moving right along, we have this one I received a few days ago:
Dear Good Friend
My Name Is Mr. Paul Martin, I am a banker I want to transfer an abandoned sum of money to your account. 50% will be for you. No risk involved.
Contact me for more details. Kindly reply me back.
I will like you to assist in the following:
(1) Assist me in the receiving of this sum in your Country.
(2) Advise on areas for potential future investment in your country.
(3) Assist me in carrying a feasibility study before actual investment.
Fill this information
Full name:
Direct cell number:
Country:
City:
Age :
Gender:
Occupation:
Please respond urgently
Regards,
Mr. Paul Martin.
An “abandoned sum of money.” I just about died when I read that.
These bizarre email scams offer a glimpse into a strange world, one that reveals a couple disturbing things about the current state of society:
1. There’s people out there craven and reprobate enough to concoct these spam emails, and actually go through with the scams behind them.
2. There’s people out there actually stupid enough to fall for them.
A lesson is in there somewhere. Point is, money schemes, underhanded tactics, and “black hat” marketing is everywhere these days. These are just the most glaring forms.
The Cost of Email Scams
Email scam marketing is a huge industry. This not only goes for the bot-produced stuff that sounds like it was produced by a T-800, but the ones made by real humans as well.
You can see scam and spam tactics even trickle into the email list and “real” marketing world, and it’s a pretty disturbing trend.
I’ve been snooping in the underbelly of the Internet Marketing world for half a decade now, and I can say with fair certainty that more than half of it is one giant grift.
From absolutely brain-dead products on Clickbank, to cheesy up-sells and marketers with email subject lines that read like home foreclosure warnings, there seems to be no end to the amount of scamming and semi-scamming going on out there right now.
In terms of what people are actually trying to accomplish on the backs of others on the Internet, it’s still pretty much the wild west.
I have some gems in my inbox right now.
“SPOTS GOING FAST” one proclaims. No they’re not, it’s a stupid pre-made webinar that’s not even live, with unlimited possible viewers and fake people chatting and asking questions. Stop.
“ONLY 3 LEFT UNTIL THE PRICE RISES” – that’s okay I’ll just go to the same page with another browser and the timer will reset because it’s just artificial scarcity made with a cookie, and it’s a digital product with unlimited units.
“DON’T MISS OUT, LAST CHANCE TO GRAB THIS TRAINING!!!!” – you mean the same training you literally just advertised on your other list like 3 weeks ago? And the same one that you advertised on this list like 2 weeks before that? That training?
It’s all a ruse. The online marketing world uses the same psychology behind email scams to hook people. It’s the same tactics, only more coordinated and with a trust factor involved.
Half of the crazy outright email scams that wind up in our spam folders could be some of these marketer’s “masterclass” trainings. That’s the tea.
I always hammer home the fact that you have to guard your mind these days. The greater your awareness, the less of a chance you’ll be bamboozled by some shark trying to reel you in on a crappy WordPress plugin or some sham training that says the same thing everyone else has said 100 times.
And whatever you do, don’t open shady spam emails or click their links. Who knows what kind of rabbit hole you’ll end up going down.